We've been there
International society of dumb asses; the world’s largest club
Like most of the world I’ve been glued to the television watching the devastating news coming out of Japan. Because of the nature of the quake it had an effect on the west coast of the United States as well. Tsunami warnings went out for the entire eastern Pacific coast line, from Alaska to South America. They urged people to head for the high ground and stay there for a time.
So what happens next? News shows are full of clips showing “surfer dudes” doing the horizontal mambo on their boards while waiting for the “big one” to come in and give them the ride of their lives. Others are walking along the beach and staring out to sea, expecting to see Orcas and Great Whites tossed in the air like a salad at Lowery’s House of Prime Rib. And the dumbest of the dumb…people headed out to the ocean on small boats lugging cameras to take photos of this historic event.
The latter-mentioned may have gotten pictures to die for…and that’s just what happened. Some stupid bastard was washed overboard and the Coast Guard went looking for him. But they might as well have been looking for the remains of Jimmy Hoffa because short of flossing the teeth of a man-eating shark there will be no remains left to identify.
This got me to thinking about how stupid society really is. Danger warnings are somehow meant for others. It’s just like being at a restaurant and the server brings your plate and reminds you to be careful because it’s really hot. What’s the first thing someone does? That’s right…touches the damned thing and serves up an instant blister for their efforts. Same thing with Hurricane Placentia, a category 5 storm that’s within eyesight of the beaches and moving toward land. There are always a handful of ignorant assholes standing there with raincoats cheering the storm on. They’d have a brighter future if they sodomized a porcupine.
On a different level it’s like those poor pricks sailing around the world with another couple, handing out bibles as they went along. All of a sudden a gang of Somali pirates comes along, no doubt armed with AK-47s. What do you suppose those unlucky bastards did prior to being killed…open their bibles to John 3:16, reading the passage and assuming the power of the word of God would knock the weapons from the pirates’ hands?
How about mountain climbing by yourself? Makes a lot of sense, doesn’t it? Oh, sure, you might get a good book and an Oscar-nominated movie out of it but you can say good-bye to some of life’s pleasures, like feeling two breasts at the same time. Sure, the kid may have had a trusty pocket knife with him that saved his life. As for me, I’d rather have my friend Richard Lazarus with me to operate the satellite phone if I fell and lodged myself in some crevice.
Another group that needs its collective head examined is animal and nature lovers who travel to places like Rwanda to bond with the gorillas or even the Pacific Northwest to commune with grizzly bears. Do you know what these people are referred to as? DEAD! I don’t care if you have just sexually satisfied an 800-pound bear…you are eventually going to be killed by it. It’s not a golden lab, you dumb shit…IT’S A BEAR!!!!! Same thing with that poor Dian Fossey. She devotes her life to the diminishing gorilla population in a part of Africa so remote you won’t even find a McDonald’s. The gorillas are becoming extinct because natives and other poachers are killing them. Along comes this poor babe, who no doubt suffered from advanced Helen Reddy-syndrome (“I am woman, hear me snore”) thinking, “I’ll protect these poor creatures.” Next thing she knew she was dreaming she was being hacked to death with machetes…and her dreams were actually coming true.
I read the other day that some kid jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge on a dare…and survived! I ask you, fellow Romans…what the hell kind of incentive would possess a moronic turd like this kid to leap to almost certain death on a dare? (The way today’s youth thinks it was probably a free month’s worth of texting.)
Just recently the NFL owners voted to lock out the players because after what has probably been years of negotiations they can’t come to an agreement on how to divide up the obscene amount of billions of dollars that are collectively called Professional Football. I have lots of comments about this…but I’m just smart enough to keep my mouth shut rather than be run over by an irate group of 300-pound linebackers who are out of work. I know the owners wouldn’t hurt me because they’re basically a bunch of wealthy pussies. But football is by rote a violent sport and though I’m sometimes referred to as a dummy I’ve never been thought of as a tackling dummy.
Just like the Chinese have tried to limit their exploding population by denying married couples the right to have more than one child, so, too, should the world’s population of assholes be limited. The rule should be: One person; one asshole. In other words if a person wishes to use his allotment of one asshole for elimination of waste then that would preclude his or her right to be an idiot on the magnitude of those I’ve described throughout this brilliant story. There are approximately 8 billion people on this planet, meaning the asshole allotment is an equal number. It’s just like I told my daughters before they married…”Choose your assholes wisely. A lot depends on it.”